As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
