I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
