Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
