His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize