3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
MIDGETS
????
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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