At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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