everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
