I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
