It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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