we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
