I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
