Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't deserve a penis
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
