his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
should my penis look like a turkey
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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