i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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