he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
