did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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