Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
