fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize