You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
