True but thats because hes a fetus.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Someone came in the potted fern
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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