So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
