I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He did a backflip because drugs
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
