Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
