when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
