Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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