I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
