she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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