I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
