it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
