I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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