he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
