The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
third nipple confirmed
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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