Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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