I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
