I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
