dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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