Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
