I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
