My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just gargled with NyQuil
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
