my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Come see our sink grown plant.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
