My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize