How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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