well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
