I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
