I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
