Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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