...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize