So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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