you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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