yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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