I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
