man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
