Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
