So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
