On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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